she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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