My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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