so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm too high and old for this...
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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