If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
