Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you didnt know i had herpes?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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