dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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