dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
there is glitter all over my balls
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
