When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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