theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
