I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
