Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
