If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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