I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Houston, we have a blender
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
