I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
