hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!