plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
