she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real