I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
3 2 1 whiskey
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
