I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
