your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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