She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
