Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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