if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
