I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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