it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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