this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
