I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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