I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
