Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
