your thong is hanging out like whoa
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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