forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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