I CAN MOONWALK!
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
