Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
