I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
