Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
