Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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