6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
