Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
