So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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