Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
