I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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