We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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