new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
