Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
