If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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