He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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