The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
