Four minutes until I can fart!
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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