Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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