he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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