Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
