I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
