woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Sober January is a disaster.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
