I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
