Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
