Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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