You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
