So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
