I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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