Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
