i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
