2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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