I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
