i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
